This incident happened to me when I was in Year 2 Semester 1 (3 semesters ago) when I first started taking level 2 core modules in Material Science & Engineering. There was laboratory work for a few of these modules and we were assigned our partners according to our matriculation number. This meant that we had to do all our experiments and reports together with our partners and I shall refer to mine as Jon.
Previously in Year 1, Jon and I were acquaintances and he had seemed like an easy-going person to me. After the first experiment, we had 2 weeks before our first report was due for submission and a viva was to be carried out. For those who may not know, a viva is an oral examination with our professors or lecturers on our laboratory report to make sure that we actually did the report (and experiment) ourselves and that we understood whatever that was done. Even though guidelines were given to us, we were both unsure of what was exactly required and how to go about doing things. Hence, we decided to meet up a few times to churn out the report together. The first viva went SO badly that all I can say now to emphasize the extent of its awfulness is that we might as well have not gone for it. Immediately after the torturous viva ended, he was very cold towards me and he ran off after muttering something about having to rush off for an appointment. We did not talk after that.
The next time I saw him was during our scheduled laboratory session the following week. We were both sitting around waiting for our demonstrator to start the experiment and avoiding any sort of contact when he suddenly came up to me and placed his handphone in front of me. He had typed a message that says “I hope I won’t have to do 80% of the work the next time round.” Imagine how astounded and dumbfounded I was. I simply sat there reading his message, not knowing how in the world to react to this baffling human form.
Let me list down the reasons as to why I was appalled:
1. We did everything together and there was no division of work. So I could not see where his “80%” came from.
2. Our report was horrible; we did not write it in proper format, we gave short answers to the discussion questions, and most importantly, the answers we gave were wrong. I felt that we did not do enough research on the topics and I did not see why he should put the blame on me when things went awry. Our report was very short and we only spent very little time on it. So how does one calculate 80% of that? It probably was not very much.
How was I supposed to react? I definitely did not agree with him, and I really wanted to share how I felt about this with him. But I found it hard to do so without offending him and it would most likely lead to an argument. I did not want to have a quarrel with a course mate (especially when our course had only around 40 people) as it would be very awkward in the future. So what was I suppose to do?
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hi wanyu
ReplyDeleteWoah that really sounded like a sticly situation. Actually i hated lab work that involes pair work, because it is pure torment if your partner really lack that EQ factor. I feel that Jon is perhaps frustated beacuse you guys blew the interview and he somehow decides that pushing the fault to you would make him feel better. Confronting him when he showed you the msg is probably not a good idea (yes i must say you did the right thing; by not going to as low as he is), since there will definately be a scene in the lab. If i were you, i would probably keep quiet and get it over with the experiment, before asking him to elabroate on what he meant by that text. I would also tell him how he is not showing respect to me as a friend, because it is completely unacceptable to reprimand me when you dint state clearly what went wrong between us. (especially he is a DUDE). If all fails, you may need to ask for a change of lab parter.
"Showing others respect is to first demostrate self respect, jon."
Wow. Did he seriously did all that? Well, if he had done that to me, I would have just taken his handphone and dumped it in some toxic chemical nearby. Haha. Then again, doing that to your lab partner is not really a great idea right? Well, as Shi Wei said, I think that John failed to manage his feelings properly after going through that horrendous interview. The easiest thing to do when something goes wrong is to point your finger at someone else right? That is just what Jon did with his "message".
ReplyDeleteI guess you really need to have a good talk with him about his and your own feelings after the lab session. What he did was quite rude and totally unnecessary. He must realize that it is not the end of the world just because the first report and viva didn't really went well. As you guys will be stuck as lab partners for the rest of the semester, you must let him know that both of you have to put the past behind and work harder together to avoid the same problem from happening to future vivas and lab reports. If he still stays the same and is not willing to work with you again, then I guess you need to meet up with your TA to discuss about this problem.
-ws-
It is a harsh reality that such self-centered creatures exist in this world. I think it was wise decision not to confront him in such a small class but you should have definitely let him know how you felt by his false accusations. If I were in your shoes, I would confront him at the end of the lab session and then point out all the things that he and I did as a group, and ask him on what basis he claims that he is the one that completed 80% of the work. I would also remind him that even he performed poorly during the viva session and it was not solely my fault and I would definitely use my mouth to say all these things just to let him know that I have a backbone to confront any person face to face, something that he clearly lacks.
ReplyDeleteA confrontation is definitely due this time, but what makes a confrontation successful is the time chosen and the attitude one takes towards it. I feel that your friend doesn't manage his feelings well, thus, mixes "professional" with "personal". If he had something to say to you about your work ethic, he should have done it in a more neutral tone, and not make it seem like it was a personal attack. I believe that the confrontation should have been right after the lab session when he handed you the nasty message, so that the deed would be fresh in both your minds and time would not be able to warp both your impressions of each other before confrontation. You should be professionally neutral and firm about what you're saying, and list all your grievances about the accusation that he placed upon you and why you feel that nothing you did warranted that accusation. Let him know that you are not making a personal attack, which is the exact opposite of what he did, so you're one up there. Tell him you expect an apology, and at the end of it all, ask him whether he still wants to be lab partners. If he says yes, then you both have a newer understanding of each other. If he rejects you, then I guess he is losing a good friend and partner! All in all, I believe if you take the right approach and never lose self-control, you'll either be gaining a good, closer friend, or losing a bad one. WIN-WIN!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very finely articulated problem scenario, Wan Yu. You describe the context well and present the conflict clearly (from the screen of a cellphone, no less!), honing in on the main elements. Your language use is also very good.
ReplyDeleteI will leave the conflict analysis to your group partners, but just say I appreciate your conscientious work!
Maybe what he said through the message was a result of frustration and disappointment. I’m glad that you managed to control your emotions when you received such unfair judgment.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, to resolve such a matter you should confront him directly. Maybe during the chat you could ask him why he reacted in such a manner and what was really bothering him. After his justification, you may voice out your thoughts about the whole incident. However, the environment and the timing must be right if not it will just make things worse.
*This is not an official comment either*
ReplyDeleteHi Wan Yu :) What do you think? I'll leave you in suspense until tomorrow! I'll tell you the answer then!
Hey Brad, Shi Wei, Wee Siong, Dinidu, Sarah and Ayu!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all these wonderful suggestions! Sarah, I thought your step-by-step “Confrontations for Dummies” was very useful! :D And sad to say, Wee Siong, there was no toxic chemicals nearby that day for me to perform such an act!
A pity I did not know all of you guys back then, otherwise I might have handled the situation in a more appropriate manner. Anyway, what I actually did after seeing that message was to give him the cold shoulder (during the experiment) as it was all I could do to contain my feelings. I could not speak to him normally as I was very unhappy and yet I did not want to voice them out for fear of having an argument in class. After the laboratory session that day, all I said to him was “I’ll do 80% of the lab report the next time round and you can do 20%,” which he agreed to. Bad choice. For the rest of that semester, even though we had the work split up, I had to do 100% of the rest of the reports on my own (there was not much communication between us thereafter and I found it difficult to tell him off when he simply chose not to complete his part) and needless to say, he was an utter disgrace to himself during the subsequent vivas.
Looking back, if I had gathered up the courage to confront him as you all have suggested, I might have avoided having such a torturous time that semester. But since I know that I simply lack the “backbone to confront any person face to face” (Dinidu’s words :D) when it comes to such sensitive matters, lets just say that I was glad when we had to change laboratory partner the following semester! (: